Next chapter

Seems like everything has come to an end this year, and leaving a trailer for the next new chapter. Everything may change next year, or may not. I don't know. No one knows. Whatever challenges that might come, I could only face it. I would love to travel more often. I really love travelling, especially getting to know different cultures and environment, and sight-seeing. Reminder to self: I'm not the best, but I'm trying my best in everything I do. Fighting!

Messy

Just realised that life can be messy here and there sometimes, accept that.

Believe

I want someone(at least) to have faith in me. Telling me that they know I can do it, when I'm not sure. When people told me that it was really encouraging. But there are times I don't believe in them, too. It is better to hope on yourself rather than hoping on others, because who will have bigger hope on you other than yourself? I hope that's not true. I really hope others have bigger hope in me than myself.

Be mindful?

Every time I realise my mistakes, I thought:" What was I thinking? Could have been more MINDFUL." Obviously I didn't know I was doing the wrong thing at the time I was doing it. Writing mistakes, sending the sms to the wrong person, do the opposite of what I'm suppose to do etc...I feel so very stupid. I feel my brain's emptiness, unable to turn the way it was expected(by others, of course). I can only see blank. Sometimes I thought it's almost like being possessed. I can't remember what I have done. Not careful enough, they said. I think sometimes it's because I was too nervous or anxious that my brain didn't want to register it. Well, I don't know how to be more mindful in my daily life, unless you are doing stuff you really like, such as playing. Most of the job are tedious, because we just want to finish it. I started to doubt if my condition is any kind of sickness because everyone else seems to do fine with tedious job.

I don’t believe I can drive

I want to drive, but I don’t believe I can drive.

If I want to change my life, I need to fix this. We are reluctant to change; it scares us to go out of our comfort zone.

I have gotten my license 5 years ago, and have forgotten all the skills by now. My family doesn’t have a car. I can’t find people to teach me. I don’t have time… As if I can’t control my situation. I decided to look deeper into this. I figured out that I lack of self confidence. I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe that I can master the skill. I always feel very stupid since I became an adult.

I know I need to change this negative thought to “I know I can drive”. It’s hard. But Henry Ford says “Whether you think you can, or you can’t… either way, you’re right.” I’m starting by asking people to teach me. And I didn’t reject even though I need to practice driving at 6.30am. Practicing even just a little bit did help to boost my self-esteem. I’m looking forward to more driving lessons.

Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good

Blogging never comes to my mind; I wouldn’t know what to say. Until I took the first step, then I realized wow, I didn’t know that I have so much to say. I actually enjoy it. It is not as easy as I first thought it would be, partly due to my perfectionist character. I want a good looking design. I want this colour. I want that font. I want a background that matches my theme. I want a good presentation, and I want … …etc

Thanks to Google, I managed to find out how to work on those. And each time, I figured out new features which I can add on later. I added new pages. I reread and check my work a few times before hitting “Publish”. (Trying to be perfect again, huh?)

 “You don’t have to be good at everything.” Still, I get slightly upset if I saw a grammatical mistake or anything that looks unprofessional in my blog posts, even though no one is reading it. I tempted to repost but no, I have to accept my flaws. Making mistakes is a part of learning.

I’ve read enough to figure out that perfectionism is a reflection of inferiority complex. What thoughts came out when I see those imperfections? I could’ve done better. Deep down inside, it actually means I’m not good enough. People will notice my grammar mistakes. They’ll notice that I’m not meticulous.

The truth is, people don’t judge as much as I think. Now I’m opened. I’ll be glad if you could point out my mistakes so that I could learn.

I love my own work, and I admire them, whether it’s a piece of art or writing, just as how God views His own creation. Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.  My work is good, not because it is perfect, but because it was mine, the effort I put in it makes it good in my eyes.

 “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”- Secrets of Adulthood, Gretchen Rubin