Down

Rebel. Feeling far from God. Is it possible to forget the First Love? I don't know why. Someone said when her relationship with her earthly father improved, her relationship with our heavenly father become intimate as well. Love is hard. Patience is hard. We want to get what we want...instantly. Joseph waited. Abraham waited. How? I just hope that I can remember His love everyday.

Friends

It's been more than one year I'm living in this town that I did not grow up in. I still don't have anyone I can rant face to face. This is a small town, I might fear of gossip spreading. Or, I don't know. Maybe it takes more time for me to become best friends with others. My school friends, they are quite hard to gather. Everyone seems to have their own schedule. They don't seem eager to spend money either. I guess I'm the only one who is free all the time. The friends I met in church, mostly eager to find their life partner, busy getting married and having babies. Sigh.

Imperfect

There are times I would feel dumb, that I am not good in anything. Though this is not true and I don't want to believe it, it's still hard to think that "I am great." Crap. First of all, I actually need to accept that I am imperfect. Do not compare myself with others, instead compare myself with yesterday.

achievement

I feel bad that I didn't work hard enough to make myself better. I have plenty of time in the office. But I feel dreaded to learn a new language or setting up a business idea. I fear that I didn't do anything. I loathe waiting for time to pass. I will feel really useless  if I continue to live like this. It is time wasting. I know there are many envy of my current life, getting paid every month, even though not a big amount, but enough for living, and nothing much happen. I have to read Paolo Coelho. I will collect his books.

Transformation

Transformation doesn't happen overnight. It will take months, or years, to get what I really want. I am learning to love the process, the phase of transformation. I don't have to wait for the result to be happy. The process itself should be happy. I don't know why I was so eager about my achievement before this. As if I can only be happy when I get to those stage in life.

"I am stuck." is also a negative thought

Wow. I found out that "I'm stuck" is also a lie. I didn't realise this before. I'm progressing, I'm growing, I eat, I sleep, I read Bible more often, I'd like to talk to God more often, exercise more often... feeling like a child again in running towards my goal. I'm definitely not "stuck". As a child, I was not afraid to chase after my dream. But not so now. There is still something there that is blocking me. I don't know what it is. Something is hidden deep inside. I no longer have the same passion, or excitement towards my dream as I would have as a child. I really want to have that excitement and thrill again.

stuck

Oh I forgot to tell you that I have finish my New Testament reading two weeks ago. My driving skills seems improving:) But I feel that sitting in front of the computer for the whole day is loathing. I wish my life is more happening. My life will remain dull unless I start driving. Then I can go anywhere I want, get any food I want, do anything I want. I'm waiting for that day to come. Meanwhile, I'm stuck.

It's so boring

Ranting in this space lead me to the answer, somehow. I'm beginning to practice my driving, though the progress seems slow. I finally gone through the New Testament. Hooray!!! I can't recall any other achievement for the past 6 months. Quite sad. More goodness to come. I'm healthy. I'm alive. Thank you God for everything.

Be mindful?

Every time I realise my mistakes, I thought:" What was I thinking? Could have been more MINDFUL." Obviously I didn't know I was doing the wrong thing at the time I was doing it. Writing mistakes, sending the sms to the wrong person, do the opposite of what I'm suppose to do etc...I feel so very stupid. I feel my brain's emptiness, unable to turn the way it was expected(by others, of course). I can only see blank. Sometimes I thought it's almost like being possessed. I can't remember what I have done. Not careful enough, they said. I think sometimes it's because I was too nervous or anxious that my brain didn't want to register it. Well, I don't know how to be more mindful in my daily life, unless you are doing stuff you really like, such as playing. Most of the job are tedious, because we just want to finish it. I started to doubt if my condition is any kind of sickness because everyone else seems to do fine with tedious job.

Tiring...

Half way through the New Testament! Hooray! Other than that, still working on HIIT as usual. But my body is reluctant to wake up early these days, which makes it hard to read poetry in the morning. So far I try to eat breakfast every day. Didn't achieve anything during the weekend, except cooking, coz I felt tired. I wonder what makes me tired. Is it the sight of clutters? Or the realisation that there are areas which are always beyond my control? No matter how hard I try, it will always be at the mercy of others? Should I just live with it? How can I work to solve it when it involves others consent?

I don’t believe I can drive

I want to drive, but I don’t believe I can drive.

If I want to change my life, I need to fix this. We are reluctant to change; it scares us to go out of our comfort zone.

I have gotten my license 5 years ago, and have forgotten all the skills by now. My family doesn’t have a car. I can’t find people to teach me. I don’t have time… As if I can’t control my situation. I decided to look deeper into this. I figured out that I lack of self confidence. I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe that I can master the skill. I always feel very stupid since I became an adult.

I know I need to change this negative thought to “I know I can drive”. It’s hard. But Henry Ford says “Whether you think you can, or you can’t… either way, you’re right.” I’m starting by asking people to teach me. And I didn’t reject even though I need to practice driving at 6.30am. Practicing even just a little bit did help to boost my self-esteem. I’m looking forward to more driving lessons.