Down

Rebel. Feeling far from God. Is it possible to forget the First Love? I don't know why. Someone said when her relationship with her earthly father improved, her relationship with our heavenly father become intimate as well. Love is hard. Patience is hard. We want to get what we want...instantly. Joseph waited. Abraham waited. How? I just hope that I can remember His love everyday.

Habit starts small

There's so much focus on habit now, on the internet. Books, blogs, experiments. Not going into the details. The conclusion is to start with something so easy that you could do everyday. It HAS to be so easy that you could laugh at it. For example, jump once a day. When it becomes a habit, you will jump more without hesitation. That explains why I couldn't do all of that I wanted to do earlier. So I will seek something easier. Listen to Korean audio everyday, going to start with 5-10 minutes. Reading one financial book currently. For drawing, the practices gone bad recently, don't know why it reached the peak and after that getting worst. One thing I learn, I only get the best result when I least stress about the result. Such an irony. It's quite hard to relaxed when drawing under expectation. Expectation of myself to myself.

Messy

Just realised that life can be messy here and there sometimes, accept that.

Be mindful?

Every time I realise my mistakes, I thought:" What was I thinking? Could have been more MINDFUL." Obviously I didn't know I was doing the wrong thing at the time I was doing it. Writing mistakes, sending the sms to the wrong person, do the opposite of what I'm suppose to do etc...I feel so very stupid. I feel my brain's emptiness, unable to turn the way it was expected(by others, of course). I can only see blank. Sometimes I thought it's almost like being possessed. I can't remember what I have done. Not careful enough, they said. I think sometimes it's because I was too nervous or anxious that my brain didn't want to register it. Well, I don't know how to be more mindful in my daily life, unless you are doing stuff you really like, such as playing. Most of the job are tedious, because we just want to finish it. I started to doubt if my condition is any kind of sickness because everyone else seems to do fine with tedious job.

It is okay to feel things

Yes, I finally found the answer for my question. There is another choice. Not push through or let go, but accept the current condition. Meet myself with love. Surrender. Because it is okay to feel things.

I admit that I have abandoned my workout for a long time. :(

In the other hand, I'm almost done with my New Testament. :)

Why should I stick to breakfast routine

I wish I had breakfast this morning. I didn't. I woke up late and tiring. Now I have no mood to do any task in the office. All I have in my head is the food. Anticipating lunch every second. Hoping the times would move faster so I can leave the office. Lunch...lunch...lunch...Mmmmm.....the lack of breakfast cost productivity

Not happy

I wish I could see a quick result. Everything seems to takes forever to get to the end- works, learning, muscles... but some good result that I can see very fast is my health. HIIT workout for just 10 minutes everyday for 5 days a week really did boost my energy and stamina. Not feeling sleepy at work now. Less tired after work. Hooray!

Seriously need to think of changing all other areas of my life. Haven't done anything significant about family and de-cluttering. Am not feeling happy. Though I managed to keep up with 90 days New Testament plan and HIIT. I'm really settling for current situation and not working for what I really want. Should I go with the flow? Or should I push harder? Where is the balance? Somehow I'm looking for more challenging task. Overcoming challenges give me a sense of accomplishment.

New task:

• reading the Poetry section of the Bible once I wake up(3-4 chapters)
• eat breakfast(feel grumpy without it, but very challenging consider the effort to wake up earlier also time spend on thinking what to get)
• spend more time on exercising(still thinking of what skills I can learn at home, such as splitting or standing on my hands)
• be more productive during the weekends(too vague, need a breakdown list, struggling between my own task and the house task)

Looks like more reflection is needed!

A bad weekend

I complained a lot last weekend. It was his fault. It was their fault. In the end I always put the blame on myself. It was my fault actually. You can’t expect others to change, and they won’t. You must find a way yourself. Why are you complaining? Helpless. Hopeless. Self condemning. We already know that we should be grateful but I just can’t, I was overwhelmed by every complaint and dissatisfaction. Frustration took control over me.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” ALL.

How? Holy Spirit, come and take over. Let the emotions lose their power.

Need to learn from King David:

“I will sing unto the LORD as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.”

Keep going!

I kept my workout plan 5/7 for last week. Where did I stop myself? “I have no time.”

I knew it was an excuse, haha, I just don’t want to do it today.

I will change my workout plan to weekdays only, and leave my weekends to my family.

On the other hand, I’ve been an “extra good” daughter for the weekend. I bought some food, did some cleaning, and some cooking. I could’ve done better if I have a proper to-do list for the weekend. I’m beginning to write down the baby steps I could take in de-cluttering my house. 

Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good

Blogging never comes to my mind; I wouldn’t know what to say. Until I took the first step, then I realized wow, I didn’t know that I have so much to say. I actually enjoy it. It is not as easy as I first thought it would be, partly due to my perfectionist character. I want a good looking design. I want this colour. I want that font. I want a background that matches my theme. I want a good presentation, and I want … …etc

Thanks to Google, I managed to find out how to work on those. And each time, I figured out new features which I can add on later. I added new pages. I reread and check my work a few times before hitting “Publish”. (Trying to be perfect again, huh?)

 “You don’t have to be good at everything.” Still, I get slightly upset if I saw a grammatical mistake or anything that looks unprofessional in my blog posts, even though no one is reading it. I tempted to repost but no, I have to accept my flaws. Making mistakes is a part of learning.

I’ve read enough to figure out that perfectionism is a reflection of inferiority complex. What thoughts came out when I see those imperfections? I could’ve done better. Deep down inside, it actually means I’m not good enough. People will notice my grammar mistakes. They’ll notice that I’m not meticulous.

The truth is, people don’t judge as much as I think. Now I’m opened. I’ll be glad if you could point out my mistakes so that I could learn.

I love my own work, and I admire them, whether it’s a piece of art or writing, just as how God views His own creation. Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.  My work is good, not because it is perfect, but because it was mine, the effort I put in it makes it good in my eyes.

 “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”- Secrets of Adulthood, Gretchen Rubin