i need to protect myself

i need to protect myself from others, have to beware of people with bad intention.
need to be careful, try to do as much protection for myself.
also need to protect myself emotionally, not to receive so much stress at work.
i dont have to bother for company problem, as it only affect my emotion, and emotion affect my digestive system
i should be happy and not let all these emotion affect me and my health
why should i let my job steal my joy and health
let go let go let go let go let go

i'm not afraid

i thank God that even with the challenges that i faced i don't feel afraid. If God is for us, who can be against us?

But still, I'm praying hard that God will help me through these challenges.

I'm thirst. I'm really eager to hear God's voice. WHat should i do now?

Trust in the Lord.

Feeling of powerlessness

Something bothered me for a long time. I couldn't recall when did it start. I feel powerlessness over all the things I have to do. I always have this thought that "I'm unable to do this" deep down inside my heart. No matter what's the task that was given to me. it could be my perfectionism's fault. But I was really full of confidence a few years back. I believed I can do everything.

This lies that I believe make me miserable because I couldn't do my best in everything I do.

When God gave Aaron and the levites their job as a gift. When I imagine myself as them,I started worrying I might die because I'm unable to do a good job to such a careful extend. That's because I believe in myself more than God. If God pick Aaron and the Levite, of course God knows they can do it. Doesn't God know better? But I always choose to believe my own judgement instead of what God sees in me.

I'm delusional about myself.

Get to know myself and what i really want

Recently i keep thinking what do i really want..

It's not money that i really want,it's the freedom money can give...

All i want is to eat well, sleep well, body moving well...sounds simple but not easy for me...

I want a simple life...but simple life is not simple...u need to work hard to make it simple...

Or, it could be the way we perceive things...by just telling self "this is easy...this is not hard.." before doing anything that we thought is hard

i have to figure way out to eat well, sleep well, relax without having extra money to spend...

but first, i have to manage myself...wake up earlier and get into office punctually to start off my day

i can do all the things i want to do before i go to work...when you do all the things you want before work, you can focus on our work in the office

office work-need to set deadline for myself,and work on 1-3 things only in one day..

i realised that it is because i keep comparing myself with others that makes me down...

i didnt appreciate myself and let others define me...i should love myself as i am,i used to love myself very much and then i don't know since when i start to hate myself, and all my flaws...i cared too much what others think...i felt responsible when others show angers towards me ...actually i shouldn't...others are responsible for their own feelings, not me ...i should guard my own feelings not to be affected by others...joy is a choice,everything is choice...no one or other things should be blame

HELLO WORLD

This is to write down random thoughts. This is not even meant to be read. There's too much in my head. Many areas of my life are stucked. Why? Because i spent my time with my phone instead of doing some deep thinking. And i just let all the things piling up more and more.

Things i want to sort out:
1. space and stuff: put aside a time to konmari my clothes so that i can do my laundry with ease
2. space and stuff: konmari other stuff in my room ie books
3. financially: how to solve mortgage debt? continue paying or sell it? whether to continue medical insurance?there's news the price going to increase,sigh... how to get side income?
4. financial: to get side income, i'll have to increase my skills...put aside times to learn language...read & write more...read bible for integrity and problem solving skills
5. job: need to solve my job slowly 1 by 1...should i advise company to hire a new staff to take care of the bookeeping? how should i do it? i'm not a detailed person..i really don't like the job....
6. health: i was quite worried about my health...my body has been deteriorating, not the same as when i was young... need to spend TIME to get muscles relax...shoulders and back getting some problem for a long time...been to doctors and spa but quickly relapse again...need to put my attention back on my body instead of social media

One thing i learn recently on the job is that when others try to blame u, u should not blame yourself. You should raise your head and stand up. I suddenly remember my identity in Christ. When you look down upon yourself you only get worse. So, one should always remember one's identity in Christ. We can rise again no matter what. The devil try to steal and rob us. Do not fall into the trap.

10 His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
    nor his delight in the legs of the warrior;
11 the Lord delights in those who fear him,
    who put their hope in his unfailing love.

This verse tells me that God does not need me to be strong or very fast/productive. What God want from us is to put our gaze upon Him. Productivity is something that the society put on me. Society praise productivity. But that is no what God will be delighted in. God has his own timing and His timing is good.

Down

Rebel. Feeling far from God. Is it possible to forget the First Love? I don't know why. Someone said when her relationship with her earthly father improved, her relationship with our heavenly father become intimate as well. Love is hard. Patience is hard. We want to get what we want...instantly. Joseph waited. Abraham waited. How? I just hope that I can remember His love everyday.

Next chapter

Seems like everything has come to an end this year, and leaving a trailer for the next new chapter. Everything may change next year, or may not. I don't know. No one knows. Whatever challenges that might come, I could only face it. I would love to travel more often. I really love travelling, especially getting to know different cultures and environment, and sight-seeing. Reminder to self: I'm not the best, but I'm trying my best in everything I do. Fighting!