Next chapter

Seems like everything has come to an end this year, and leaving a trailer for the next new chapter. Everything may change next year, or may not. I don't know. No one knows. Whatever challenges that might come, I could only face it. I would love to travel more often. I really love travelling, especially getting to know different cultures and environment, and sight-seeing. Reminder to self: I'm not the best, but I'm trying my best in everything I do. Fighting!

Friends

It's been more than one year I'm living in this town that I did not grow up in. I still don't have anyone I can rant face to face. This is a small town, I might fear of gossip spreading. Or, I don't know. Maybe it takes more time for me to become best friends with others. My school friends, they are quite hard to gather. Everyone seems to have their own schedule. They don't seem eager to spend money either. I guess I'm the only one who is free all the time. The friends I met in church, mostly eager to find their life partner, busy getting married and having babies. Sigh.

End of the year

Wow, it's November now!
My achievement:

• finish reading the New Testament
• driving skill
• have a car
• join a dancing class...yoohoo
• have a job

Other challenges I would like to do in the future:

• setting up a professional blog
• learn to speak another language
• travel more 

Life unexpected

Recently I received a news that may change my future. Having settled down in current job, I was worried of the unknown. I was anxious. I did not know if that was what I want. At that time, I saw this verse: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I prayed hard, read about Abraham's obedience, and surrendered it to the Lord.

Habit starts small

There's so much focus on habit now, on the internet. Books, blogs, experiments. Not going into the details. The conclusion is to start with something so easy that you could do everyday. It HAS to be so easy that you could laugh at it. For example, jump once a day. When it becomes a habit, you will jump more without hesitation. That explains why I couldn't do all of that I wanted to do earlier. So I will seek something easier. Listen to Korean audio everyday, going to start with 5-10 minutes. Reading one financial book currently. For drawing, the practices gone bad recently, don't know why it reached the peak and after that getting worst. One thing I learn, I only get the best result when I least stress about the result. Such an irony. It's quite hard to relaxed when drawing under expectation. Expectation of myself to myself.

I didn't

I didn't:
1. draw everyday
2. write in Korean
3. write technical analysis

I feel awful. Want to declutter my house. The condition of the house reflects one's life. If it's a mess, then also is the life. That's what I read.

I figure out I can do bridge now. It's a miracle! I didn't train, neither did I push myself. The only thing I did is push ups and walking down the wall. I don't know how I can do it now. I'm very happy with my new skills. :)

Action

Everyday:

1. Draw something
2. Write in Korean
3. Writing technical analysis
....

I should stop at No.3. And then I'll add on when they have become my habits.

Wasting time?

I'm wasting hours in  the office reading blogs. Every day. But, nothing is wasted, right? I'm not sure...

Bringing positive change

Life is uncertain, death is guaranteed, now I'm hoping that I could bring positive change to the people around me, especially my family. I always hope that they would live better. I can't impose anything on them. I can only pray. I know it seems like I'm thinking highly of myself when I hope people surrounding me would strive to make themselves better. I just want them to be happy, to enjoy the abundant life that God has promised each and everyone of us. I hope my life is not wasted.

Messy

Just realised that life can be messy here and there sometimes, accept that.

comfort zone

Sometimes even self care needs one to go out of the comfort zone.

God is good

God is reminding me to be humble and that He is the One who protect me. Everything is for my own good.

Imperfect

There are times I would feel dumb, that I am not good in anything. Though this is not true and I don't want to believe it, it's still hard to think that "I am great." Crap. First of all, I actually need to accept that I am imperfect. Do not compare myself with others, instead compare myself with yesterday.

Continuum gratitude

I like the feeling when something good trust upon me. I am going to remind myself of this feeling every moment. Thanking God over and over again.

achievement

I feel bad that I didn't work hard enough to make myself better. I have plenty of time in the office. But I feel dreaded to learn a new language or setting up a business idea. I fear that I didn't do anything. I loathe waiting for time to pass. I will feel really useless  if I continue to live like this. It is time wasting. I know there are many envy of my current life, getting paid every month, even though not a big amount, but enough for living, and nothing much happen. I have to read Paolo Coelho. I will collect his books.

Fully involved

“It is by being fully involved with every detail of our lives, whether good or bad, that we find happiness, not by trying to look for it directly.” –Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Transformation

Transformation doesn't happen overnight. It will take months, or years, to get what I really want. I am learning to love the process, the phase of transformation. I don't have to wait for the result to be happy. The process itself should be happy. I don't know why I was so eager about my achievement before this. As if I can only be happy when I get to those stage in life.

Follow up

Omg. Wow, I can't believe this. I received an inbox saying that "I know you can do it coz you're a smart student." It's amazing. It's just like I only have to write things on here and waiting for it to happen. Weeeee!

Believe

I want someone(at least) to have faith in me. Telling me that they know I can do it, when I'm not sure. When people told me that it was really encouraging. But there are times I don't believe in them, too. It is better to hope on yourself rather than hoping on others, because who will have bigger hope on you other than yourself? I hope that's not true. I really hope others have bigger hope in me than myself.

tree of the knowledge of good and evil

I did not realise this. I tend to judge every situation, label them with "good" or "bad" unconsciously. 

Losing job = bad
Get promoted = good
Failing exam = bad
Getting a car = good

"Why is it called the tree of the knowledge of good and evil?" Now I know the answer. It makes sense that now our society label everything with "good" or "evil", because Adam and Eve had eaten from the tree. God had warned them:"But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it: for in the day that you eat thereof you shall surely die." 

However by the grace of God, today we can take from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever. We can choose not to eat of that forbidden fruit again. When we take from the tree of life, we are restored, no longer ashamed of ourselves, because we stop judging the situation. 

"Yes, I failed at such and such, that is a fact. It's neither good nor bad, it just is."

"I am stuck." is also a negative thought

Wow. I found out that "I'm stuck" is also a lie. I didn't realise this before. I'm progressing, I'm growing, I eat, I sleep, I read Bible more often, I'd like to talk to God more often, exercise more often... feeling like a child again in running towards my goal. I'm definitely not "stuck". As a child, I was not afraid to chase after my dream. But not so now. There is still something there that is blocking me. I don't know what it is. Something is hidden deep inside. I no longer have the same passion, or excitement towards my dream as I would have as a child. I really want to have that excitement and thrill again.

Why I wasn't grateful

Sometimes it's hard to be grateful. It's easy to give thanks for the things we can see. But I forget that God is also working on the unseen things, which I should really give thanks for. He is always there, working in ways we cannot see. I will give thanks for that.

surrender

I guess I figured out why I feel stuck. Because I didn't uphold everything in God's hand. I feel relieved when I tell God everything. Just by telling is enough, instead of asking Him for answers. Talking with God is good. Tell Him everything and He will direct my path.

stuck

Oh I forgot to tell you that I have finish my New Testament reading two weeks ago. My driving skills seems improving:) But I feel that sitting in front of the computer for the whole day is loathing. I wish my life is more happening. My life will remain dull unless I start driving. Then I can go anywhere I want, get any food I want, do anything I want. I'm waiting for that day to come. Meanwhile, I'm stuck.

It's so boring

Ranting in this space lead me to the answer, somehow. I'm beginning to practice my driving, though the progress seems slow. I finally gone through the New Testament. Hooray!!! I can't recall any other achievement for the past 6 months. Quite sad. More goodness to come. I'm healthy. I'm alive. Thank you God for everything.

Be mindful?

Every time I realise my mistakes, I thought:" What was I thinking? Could have been more MINDFUL." Obviously I didn't know I was doing the wrong thing at the time I was doing it. Writing mistakes, sending the sms to the wrong person, do the opposite of what I'm suppose to do etc...I feel so very stupid. I feel my brain's emptiness, unable to turn the way it was expected(by others, of course). I can only see blank. Sometimes I thought it's almost like being possessed. I can't remember what I have done. Not careful enough, they said. I think sometimes it's because I was too nervous or anxious that my brain didn't want to register it. Well, I don't know how to be more mindful in my daily life, unless you are doing stuff you really like, such as playing. Most of the job are tedious, because we just want to finish it. I started to doubt if my condition is any kind of sickness because everyone else seems to do fine with tedious job.

It is okay to feel things

Yes, I finally found the answer for my question. There is another choice. Not push through or let go, but accept the current condition. Meet myself with love. Surrender. Because it is okay to feel things.

I admit that I have abandoned my workout for a long time. :(

In the other hand, I'm almost done with my New Testament. :)

I bought the cake again!

Yesterday I went into a bakery to get my dinner. Oh I couldn't help myself not to buy a cake. It seems good at that time. I was hungry. The milk jelly cheese cake did taste nice. However I had a feeling of remorse accompany by bloated stomach after eating. Perhaps it's caused by the price of the cake? I don't know.

It is highly recommended to record down our spending. Until now I still can't do that. I'm afraid to look at what I spend. It's scary... What should I do?

How bad do you want it?

I realised that the success rate of keeping a resolution depended on this question:" How bad do you want it?"
In fact, one must ask this question before setting any goals or resolution. It seems like I want this or that, but now I really need to re-evaluate what I really want. Sometimes I'm just confused. What do I really want? What is my dream life/job? I have no idea.

Baby steps

Finally, I have started to rearrange my closets. Haven't done yet but at least it's a baby step. Yay....

Tiring...

Half way through the New Testament! Hooray! Other than that, still working on HIIT as usual. But my body is reluctant to wake up early these days, which makes it hard to read poetry in the morning. So far I try to eat breakfast every day. Didn't achieve anything during the weekend, except cooking, coz I felt tired. I wonder what makes me tired. Is it the sight of clutters? Or the realisation that there are areas which are always beyond my control? No matter how hard I try, it will always be at the mercy of others? Should I just live with it? How can I work to solve it when it involves others consent?

Why should I stick to breakfast routine

I wish I had breakfast this morning. I didn't. I woke up late and tiring. Now I have no mood to do any task in the office. All I have in my head is the food. Anticipating lunch every second. Hoping the times would move faster so I can leave the office. Lunch...lunch...lunch...Mmmmm.....the lack of breakfast cost productivity

Not happy

I wish I could see a quick result. Everything seems to takes forever to get to the end- works, learning, muscles... but some good result that I can see very fast is my health. HIIT workout for just 10 minutes everyday for 5 days a week really did boost my energy and stamina. Not feeling sleepy at work now. Less tired after work. Hooray!

Seriously need to think of changing all other areas of my life. Haven't done anything significant about family and de-cluttering. Am not feeling happy. Though I managed to keep up with 90 days New Testament plan and HIIT. I'm really settling for current situation and not working for what I really want. Should I go with the flow? Or should I push harder? Where is the balance? Somehow I'm looking for more challenging task. Overcoming challenges give me a sense of accomplishment.

New task:

• reading the Poetry section of the Bible once I wake up(3-4 chapters)
• eat breakfast(feel grumpy without it, but very challenging consider the effort to wake up earlier also time spend on thinking what to get)
• spend more time on exercising(still thinking of what skills I can learn at home, such as splitting or standing on my hands)
• be more productive during the weekends(too vague, need a breakdown list, struggling between my own task and the house task)

Looks like more reflection is needed!

I don’t believe I can drive

I want to drive, but I don’t believe I can drive.

If I want to change my life, I need to fix this. We are reluctant to change; it scares us to go out of our comfort zone.

I have gotten my license 5 years ago, and have forgotten all the skills by now. My family doesn’t have a car. I can’t find people to teach me. I don’t have time… As if I can’t control my situation. I decided to look deeper into this. I figured out that I lack of self confidence. I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe that I can master the skill. I always feel very stupid since I became an adult.

I know I need to change this negative thought to “I know I can drive”. It’s hard. But Henry Ford says “Whether you think you can, or you can’t… either way, you’re right.” I’m starting by asking people to teach me. And I didn’t reject even though I need to practice driving at 6.30am. Practicing even just a little bit did help to boost my self-esteem. I’m looking forward to more driving lessons.

A bad weekend

I complained a lot last weekend. It was his fault. It was their fault. In the end I always put the blame on myself. It was my fault actually. You can’t expect others to change, and they won’t. You must find a way yourself. Why are you complaining? Helpless. Hopeless. Self condemning. We already know that we should be grateful but I just can’t, I was overwhelmed by every complaint and dissatisfaction. Frustration took control over me.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” ALL.

How? Holy Spirit, come and take over. Let the emotions lose their power.

Need to learn from King David:

“I will sing unto the LORD as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being.”

The moment cake taste best is before you buy it

Cake always looks delicious on the shelf, but doesn’t taste as good when I try it. This happened most of the time. It’s bloating. Plus, I tend to eat more when the food is there, finishing them before the right time. I should not buy cakes or junk food again. That’s called emotional eating: what I really want is cookie or chips. But the true hunger should be feeding the belly, not craving for something sweet. Hence the desire to eat does not equal to feeling hungry.

No-no list:

Cakes

Chips

Dried fish fillet(my favourite)

Biscuits

Etc.

Instead, I will consume more fruits and beans. If I want snacks, I should start making them myself; such as sandwiches, sushi rolls, and perhaps cakes. Hmm, seems like a lot of inconvenience…

Keep going!

I kept my workout plan 5/7 for last week. Where did I stop myself? “I have no time.”

I knew it was an excuse, haha, I just don’t want to do it today.

I will change my workout plan to weekdays only, and leave my weekends to my family.

On the other hand, I’ve been an “extra good” daughter for the weekend. I bought some food, did some cleaning, and some cooking. I could’ve done better if I have a proper to-do list for the weekend. I’m beginning to write down the baby steps I could take in de-cluttering my house. 

Lauren Zander - No One is Coming to Save You!...

Don’t try hard; try with your heart

“I decided to do it.” My heart feels lighter. I choose to do it. So I will do it happily.

No more of this: “Ugh. I need to force myself to do it.” How dreadful! “If I do it every day, gold will fall from the sky.” (Even though it sounds absurd)Silly me, gold is always a better motivation than a bikini body.

I’m still working on 30 days HIIT challenge, the only difference is that I’m doing it happily.

Don’t try hard; try with your heart, try wholeheartedly.

Do not focus on your pain

“I feel like skipping HIIT today.” I can have a lot of reason not to do it so I just grab myself to do it. And I’m glad I did. Never did I know what I would miss by skipping the 10-minute.

The exercise was just doing plank. When I was doing the 45 seconds plank, I felt my abs.

“My abs can’t hold it anymore, I want to let go” “Just hang in there a few seconds” My mind was blank. I hold on.

In a blink of eyes I came back to mind and I discovered: “Wow, I don’t feel my abs anymore, I can hold on for even longer.” Epiphany!

Whenever you feel hurt, do not run away from it. Remember when you focus on your pain, you only help to intensify the hurt you feel. Instead, face it, accept it, until you can live with it, till then it has lost its control over you. Never let the same hurt hit you down again.

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:4

Less is more

I’m going to try HIIT 30 days programme(Got it from Neilarey.com) Greater training in less time. Perfect for those who are either busy or lazy, just like me. The program that I choose takes only about 10 minutes each day. Equipment free. Sounds too simple? Well whenever I started some project very ambitiously they never work. 10 minutes? I can do it. I hope it works. No. I will work on it. I don’t want to find myself looking back at this post and sigh: “Oh! Will never work”. The feeling of a loser. What is the use of this blog? Accountability. After all I need accountability.

In HIIT, you need to push yourself as hard as you can in the short period. So for my blog post, I’m trying to use fewer words as I can for the greatest impact. Hope this blog would be an inspiration to others. I love to hear about it.

Why aren’t you workout today?

For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. (Romans 7:15)

I struggle with exercising.

I know people who can spend 2 hours every day in the gym, cook every meal, to ensure the nourishment of their body. But why not me?

“I’m tired. I need rest. I want to lie down. I am lazy.”

Ridiculous. You get tired easily because you don’t move. The cure to fatigue is to exercise.

“I have no plan for workout. I can’t decide which exercise to do for today.”

Then design a plan and stick to it. If it doesn’t work, change it.

After one day of workout, “Muscle pain.”

Active recovery, which is light exercise during the recovery phase can stimulate blood flow to the muscles to help reduce muscle pain. 

“I am a couch potato.”

You are what you think you are. Prove it otherwise.

If you were given $5000, would you do it? “Yes!”

But you won’t do it for health? Are you fit enough? Are you satisfied with your body size? “Well,….”

What is your excuse today? They’re sick. From now on, no more hesitation, simply do it.

If you want a strong body, you know the price you have to pay.

It is hard, but perfect body line is worth fighting for. Plus, I can reward myself with more tasty food.  

Fighting!

“If I used being busy as an excuse not to run, I’d never run again. I have only a few reasons to keep on running, and a truckload of them to quit.” –Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul- Psalms 19:7

As a Christian, others would have thought that I have read through my bible or have been reading it every day. I don’t, but that was my wish since I was young.

In the beginning of the year, I started Bible In One Year(BIOY). I downloaded the app, read it every day, until sickness stopped me. I have no mood or energy to read the app. My illness lasted for a long period. It seemed like impossible to catch up so I abandoned the plan altogether. Maybe the reading style doesn’t suit me, where every time I have to read a portion of Old Testament, Psalms and New Testament altogether. There are many times I read for the sake of finishing it. It became a duty; dull and boring.

Till recently, I saw that there is such a plan called “Reading through New Testament in 90 days”. Doing something for 90 days seems a lot easier than 365 days. So I took the 90 days challenge. There are 260 chapters in the New Testament, so I only need to read 2-3 chapters a day. I printed out the plan(you can get it online easily) and put it in my bible. I prefer reading hardcopy bible over phone. I tick the chart every night after I finish the reading for the day. I make sure to catch up whenever I missed it.

So far, I’m in the 3^rd week, and I am reading faster than planned.

Surprisingly, almost every day there is a verse that’s talking to me. God is good.

God didn’t change my situation, but he changes my heart. <3 

“This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.” Joshua 1:8 

Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good

Blogging never comes to my mind; I wouldn’t know what to say. Until I took the first step, then I realized wow, I didn’t know that I have so much to say. I actually enjoy it. It is not as easy as I first thought it would be, partly due to my perfectionist character. I want a good looking design. I want this colour. I want that font. I want a background that matches my theme. I want a good presentation, and I want … …etc

Thanks to Google, I managed to find out how to work on those. And each time, I figured out new features which I can add on later. I added new pages. I reread and check my work a few times before hitting “Publish”. (Trying to be perfect again, huh?)

 “You don’t have to be good at everything.” Still, I get slightly upset if I saw a grammatical mistake or anything that looks unprofessional in my blog posts, even though no one is reading it. I tempted to repost but no, I have to accept my flaws. Making mistakes is a part of learning.

I’ve read enough to figure out that perfectionism is a reflection of inferiority complex. What thoughts came out when I see those imperfections? I could’ve done better. Deep down inside, it actually means I’m not good enough. People will notice my grammar mistakes. They’ll notice that I’m not meticulous.

The truth is, people don’t judge as much as I think. Now I’m opened. I’ll be glad if you could point out my mistakes so that I could learn.

I love my own work, and I admire them, whether it’s a piece of art or writing, just as how God views His own creation. Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.  My work is good, not because it is perfect, but because it was mine, the effort I put in it makes it good in my eyes.

 “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”- Secrets of Adulthood, Gretchen Rubin

March - too late for New year’s resolution?

How many times have you started New Year’s Resolutions and failed to keep it in the end? And you feel bad about yourself, and you started making up excuses for it, and the cycle goes on and on…. And you never move on, and continuously feeling sorry for yourself.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Albert Einstein)

Many will tell you to forget resolutions, but set goal. Let me ask you, how are you going to achieve your goal if not by doing bit by bit? This blog post (The Happiness Project) makes me realized that the truth is you KEEP a resolution. Some days you do and there are certain days you don’t. You move forward and you don’t feel bad about yourself. It’s as simple as that.

Upon this contemplation, it struck me about my life as a Christian. The LORD says: ‘You shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy. Can anyone achieve that? Even David, a king with such a great faith, failed. But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord. What did he do when he realised that? He confessed, fasted and wept, but not without any consequence, yet when the incident passes he arose from the ground, washed and anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped.  

How about Israel, to whom God has performed many miracles, them, the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the Lord … and they forsook the Lord and did not serve Him.…And the children of Israel cried out to the Lord… every time they cried out to the Lord He delivered them. We can’t be perfect every day, but we strive to be, and we don’t give up.[1]

Wherever you are in your New Year’s resolution, it is never too late to return. Yes, return; you don’t have to start all over again. Pick up where you’d lost. Return from the wrong path, turn to your original path where it leads you to your Home, where your Father has prepared everything good in store for you.[2]

Just remember this: 

“They are NEW every morning”[3]

---

[1]  “Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before” Philippians 3:13

[2] Refer to the Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32)

[3] Lamentations 3:23